What do you feel in your body right now? Take a deep breath and pay attention – really pay attention.
Can you feel your heart beat? Can you feel your skin tingling? Do you feel tension? Or nothing at all?
As a culture we don’t encourage feeling. We think. We don’t feel.
It comes through in our language. We begin feeling sentences with “I feel like…” or “I feel like that…” and we share our thoughts, not our emotions.
It comes through in our body. Most of us go through a day without really paying attention to our body. Our body becomes tense and our breathing becomes shallow.
Stopping the breath is one of the ways we stop ourselves feeling. Highly useful when we’re in danger and need to be prepared to run… But we’ve made a habit of it.
Take an even deeper breath. Right now.
To breathe deeply is to allow ourselves to feel deeply. And we’re a culture that doesn’t like to feel.
We tell ourselves we can overcome pain – physical or emotional. When we feel discomfort, we’re quick to reach for the Aspirin, the coffee, the sugar or another glass of wine. We throw ourselves into work. Or we simply ‘suck it up’ and keep doing whatever we were doing, before we felt pain. We have people to see and things to do, we don’t want to be slowed down by our pain.
Where’s the harm in that?
What’s wrong with wanting to feel good?
Who wants to feel the stress of another day at the office? The pain of our lover leaving? The grief of losing someone we love?
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to feel good.
But when we limit our pain, we’re missing out on an important message. And we’re also limiting our pleasure.
And that is what I believe we’re truly afraid of.
We can only know heights to the extent we have known the depths. The brighter the light, the darker the shadow. And we can’t have one without the other. Pleasure and pain are just different sides of the same coin. When we limit our ability, or our willingness to feel one, we also limit our ability to feel the other. As a result, we stop ourselves feeling very much at all.
Again, great if we’re in the danger. But we make a habit of it.
When we resist pain, it stays with us, we contract and it hurts. But when we can embrace pain, when we can allow its fullness we can also discover a place of deep beauty.
Our pain, if we allow it, can be a place of deep transformation. It is in my pain that I come to know more about myself. I discover what is truly important to me.
It is in my deepest pain that I know that I have loved, that I have hoped and that I have dared to dream.
In that place the difference between pleasure and pain is a razor’s edge. When I allow myself to be in the fullness of my pain, I expand. I am fully myself and fully alive.
But how often do we allow ourselves to be in that place? How often to we open to and breathe into our pain?
Take a deep breath. Notice what is there. Notice what you’re holding back. Take another breath, a deeper breath. Allow your whole body to feel it.
All of this stopping ourselves feeling, and stopping ourselves breathing has an effect on our relationships and sex life too.
When we make not feeling a habit, we don’t orgasm as deeply as we might. Yes, I said that too.
We’re afraid of what would happen if we really let ourselves go. So we don’t.
Let me say it again: I believe what we’re truly afraid of is pleasure.
We tell ourselves we don’t deserve pleasure. We tell ourselves that if it feels good – we should be feeling guilty about it.
Sex is a perfect example. As we approach orgasm, our breathe becomes shallow. As the intensity of our arousal becomes more than we think we can bare our body becomes tense. As a wave or orgasm threatens to overtake our body and transport us into the cosmos, we hold hold out breath.
Orgasm, at best becomes a genital sneeze. At worst, we resist sex all together. Most of us don’t know the fullness of our orgasm because we don’t allow ourselves to really feel.
And, this is how we live our life. Tense body, shallow breath, limiting our pleasure.
And, after a while, we don’t notice anymore. It becomes our new way of being. But we can change. By practicing expanding our orgasm and the pleasure we feel inside the bedroom, we allow ourselves to feel more pleasure outside of it as well.
Expanding ourselves, living deeply and knowing the fullness of our pleasure takes practice. It’s like building a muscle.
Are you willing to feel more pleasure?
Yes, allow your feelings of guilt, shame and resistance to come up. And take a deep breath. Notice what you feel in your body. Allow it to be.
You deserve pleasure.
Breathe that in.
Are you willing to let yourself live fully and deeply?
When you feel pain, take a breath.
When you feel grief, take a breath.
When you feel yourself on the edge of orgasm, take a breath and let go.
When you think that whatever you’re feeling is too much, allow yourself to stay there on the edge and take another deep breath. Hold yourself there for just one. more. breath.
One day we find we’re stronger than we ever thought we could be, we can feel more pleasure than we ever thought possible.
Orgasm becomes like a never-ending ocean, waves and waves that continue to roll through us. Taking our mind, body and soul into a place of pure bliss. And life becomes deeper, richer and more satisfying than we ever dreamed it could be.
Are you willing to allow yourself to really feel?
Take another breath and allow yourself to feel just a little bit more.
Isiah McKimmie has been helping people have amazing relationships and more fulfilling sex lives for over 7 years. Isiah studied at the prestigious Institute for the Advanced Studies of Human Sexuality and is currently completing Masters in both Psychotherapy and Sexology. Currently based in Sydney, Isiah offers coaching and online programs to individuals and couples world-wide. Visit her at www.isiah-mckimmie.com where she offers fresh, courageous, compassionate advice to help you find more passion, love and happiness.